But I Only....

Before reading the next phrases insert the word But at the beginning....

I only got drunk because she broke my heart.  I only cheated because he was abusive,  I only stole it because I really needed it.   Its only one rated R movie what can it hurt.  Work doesn’t pay me what they should so I’ll just take it out in trade.  I only curse while in traffic.  I’m so tired I’ll just skip church this one time.  Repentance is for sinners my acts were justified.  I am strong I can do this on my own, I don’t need God……..

Thought for the day:  We cannot hide any act of our lives from ourselves or from the Lord.   As prerequisites to forgiveness, there must first be recognition, remorse, then confession.  “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.” In addition to recognizing our sins, we must feel sincere sorrow for what we have done. We must feel that our sins are terrible. We must want to unload and abandon them.


I previously spoke of Godly sorrow and the need to abandon my sins, but how did it come to that, what was the process to bring me to such Godly sorrow?  It was not an easy road I can tell you that.  I spent many of my days in the past with a chip on my shoulder.  Everywhere I went I felt others were judging me for my actions.  I would never be able to measure up because of my sins, they would forever follow me and I am as dirt.  At one point I even stopped going to church because I felt if I walked in the door I wouldn’t be welcomed and it would be awkward because I am the black sheep, I am the sinner and everyone knows it.  I suffered greatly for many years and  turned to even more sin as well as embracing beliefs I didn’t understand to try to escape.

I became entangled in a web satan had weaved for me with negative and false thinking coupled with depression and fear.  I found myself spending my days fighting to make people believe that I was respectable and a good person. I always found myself in awkward circumstances and conversations of worldliness and I continually worked as either a beggar to have people believe I was a good girl, or as a fighter to save my reputation.  When all the time, the truth was, I was really fighting only me…..

I had a knack of excusing away my choices. And though the things I said to myself were indeed true, for I really was having a hard time I really was hurting and suffering and needed to do something.  The fact remained that I made the choices of my life, and I could not push them away with an excuse or blame.  I knowingly disobeyed my Father in Heaven and until I admitted that to myself, the merry-go-round would not stop and satan would continue to wrap me up as his trophy.

I was literally physically exhausted from the fight and because I fought so hard it effected my well-being.  I developed health troubles and had many trips to the hospital; I became an emotional roller coaster.  I worried to the point that I feared even my own children could not love me because I was such a bad person; and I know they grew weary of hearing me apologize and excuse myself for being a bad mother and person. And while its true that many people did know of some of my more serious transgressions, the fact remains that most did not; yet I was too focused on hiding my sins from myself, and making myself belive that I was justified, to realize how things really worked.  I was spinning out of control and had to make a change, if I did not, the thought of what could happen to me was terrifying for I had even contemplated suicide.

Reality Check:  “There is no royal road to repentance, no privileged path to forgiveness. Every man must follow the same course whether he be rich or poor, educated or untrained, tall or short, prince or pauper, king or commoner”- Spencer W Kimball

It is said that the first step in the road to recovery from addiction is admitting.  That proves to be no different on the road to repentance.  We must admit to ourselves that we have sinned. If we do not admit this, we cannot repent.  Whether it is a sin of great seriousness, a sin of omission, or willful  disobedience, we cannot seek forgiveness until we admit to ourself and Heavenly Father that we have erred.

“Let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance. … Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point” (Alma 42:29–30) The scriptures advise us further not to justify our sinful practices (Luke 16:15–16).

I found some of the greatest relief of my life, when I wrote in my journal of my sins.  Yes I wrote the circumstances and I wrote all the things that surrounded why I made the choices, but I did not excuse the fact that I had offended the one person who had never left me, never hurt me, that gave me all that I needed and more.  I had offended my Father in Heaven.

It was not easy to admit to myself that I had been wrong.  The pain of those transgressions caused a heavy suffering of my heart and soul that was near unbearable.  But when I went to the Lord with them, that acknowledgement brought me a measure of peace and I knew that I had come home. When I was willing to give away my sins and follow him, I came to know God.  I began to understand that the Savior gave His life for us and suffered for our sins so that if we believed on his name and repented we would not have to carry that burden.  Each time I ignored what I had done, I trampled all that he died for, I threw away the gift.  So I followed the promptings from my intense prayers and fessed up thus, beginning my road to forgiveness.  

“I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.” Psalms 32:5

One of the best things we can do for ourselves is admitting when we are wrong and seek to make it right, that does not however, give us full throttle to beat ourselves up.  The Savior suffered so that we would not have to, the first step in accepting that gift is admitting our sin.  But we cannot let satan make us believe there is no hope.  We must stay strong and stay with God.

There is comfort and peace in admitting our mistakes, let us take note as we work through our days to  things we need to repair.

There is hope with repentance, let us then find ourselves in mighty prayer following the will of the Lord.



With Love, Dixie

Please join me next week for this series of blogs concerning the principles of repentance and my personal story of the road to safety and peace....

Not as Bad as You Think

Repentance, that is always a scary word it seems.  People fear it, others, in place of fear become angry with it.  Some accusingly see it as a religious control tactic, and others believe that if there is a real punishment for sin its through a simple confession or prayer and then God will simply beat us with a few stripes after which we will be saved in the kingdom forever.    I believe however, that when a person develops true faith, faith in Jesus Christ; they begin to see things in a different light.  I believe real sincere faith in a person will bring them to a point where they want to be different, where they want to be like Christ; so repentance then, becomes viewed differently.  It becomes seen not as a scary thing or matter of a checklist and Sunday confession after a party weekend.  It becomes rather an opportunity of choice, a gift, and that is what it became for me.

Thought for the day:  “Repentance is a divine gift, and there should be a smile on our faces when we speak of it. It points us to freedom, confidence, and peace. Rather than interrupting the celebration, the gift of repentance is the cause for true celebration.” – D Todd Christofferson

What is repentance?  The Guide to Scriptures gives us this definition:  “A change of mind and heart that brings a fresh attitude toward God, oneself, and life in general. Repentance implies that a person turns away from evil and turns his heart and will to God, submitting to God’s commandments and desires and forsaking sin. True repentance comes from a love for God and a sincere desire to obey his commandments. All accountable persons have sinned and must repent in order to progress toward salvation. Only through the atonement of Jesus Christ can our repentance become effective and accepted by God.”

Why repentance?  We come to earth for the purpose of growing and progressing. This is a lifelong process. During this time that we are here on earth,  we all sin. We all have need to repent. Sometimes we sin because of ignorance, sometimes because of our weaknesses, and sometimes because of willful disobedience. In the Bible we read that “there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not” and that “if we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” Romans 3:23  Ecclesiastes 7:20  1 John 1:8. When we die, we will be returned to the presence of God Alma 40:11.  Thus we need repentance for “no unclean thing can dwell with God”.

I like to think of myself as a “just man”.  I never did harm, not intentionally I only wanted to do good.  Yet in my life there were times that I did sin.  Sometimes it was because of ignorance, sometimes it was due to weakness, and at other times it was pure wilful disobedience.  Even so, the more I developed faith, a testimony of the gospel and true love for Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ, the more I hated my choices, and I just couldn’t live with myself knowing that even though I had a change of heart and no longer made those choices or lived that lifestyle; still they lurked in the corners of my mind and around every bend I turned.  They brought upon my soul great grief and I was terribly troubled as I ministered to family members and friends sharing with them the Gospel.

I remember exactly when it began,  that I knew my good intentions were not enough; it was the day my husband was baptized.  As I watched him being immersed in the water, I found myself wishing it was me, wishing I could be new, that I could be rid of all that followed me, wishing that I could be the daughter of God I so desired and strived to be. I was active in the church, one hundred percent or more.  I lived the lifestyle of a Latter-day saint and I encouraged and begged my children and family to do the same.  I went so far as to bribe my oldest son, who was not living at home, with gas money.  If he would just please come to the baptism and support my husband whom we all loved, I would give him gas money for his car.  The baptism proved to be a very spiritual time for all of us but none more than my son I think, for when he came to me after the service to get his money,  he was crying.  I asked him what was wrong but he couldn’t talk, he just gave me a hug took his money and left.  Later on that evening he came to talk to me, about church.  He said he felt something that he’d never felt before and it burned within him, he believed, and he wanted to come back and start attending again and making things right.  I was never more happy than at that moment, and right away put him on the path back to his roots.  This is what made me think.  I had testified to my husband and shared with him the gospel and he was baptised.  I had testified time and again to my son and encouraged him to return and he was doing so; so how could I be a part of this newly forming eternal family if I wasn’t living the things I was teaching them.  I had to make myself right.  So began my journey of earnestly praying, with every fiber of my being.  With the deepest Godly sorrow falling upon my knees and seeking the guidance of Heavenly Father I repented to him of the things that made me feel bad, of the things that I carried.  Never before had I sought Heavenly Father in this manner.  Not because I didn’t want to but until I had a true change of heart that came with strengthened faith and Godly sorrow, I didn’t understand how to repent.  I discovered that it was much more than just confessing of my sins, it was about my broken heart…..

Through this time and these prayers the Lord, with such love, ministered to me and taught me the meaning of true repentance.  He taught me all that I needed to do and answered all my questions by literally answering my prayers even sometimes while I was still on my knees crying.  It was not a great cloud burst and visions of grandeur, it wasn’t as many preachers shout about at the pulpits of hell fire and brimstone.  But is was a quiet tender burning in my heart that was sent with messages to my mind and I knew, I KNEW, that He was real, the Savior was real,  and he was speaking to me and guiding me.  That He loved me and would hold me up while I did all that I could to live as he wanted me to live. I did not have to be afraid……

In our journey’s here upon the earth, no one is perfect, so Christ in his infinite mercy suffered and died that we may be offered the choice of repentance.  Though it is a gift, it is not an easy choice.  But when the desire hits you, and that great feeling of truth coupled with an overwhelming need for change comes, and you act upon it with the help and love of the Savior; it becomes a necessary road and a life changing experience.  There is no need to fear, there is no need to discredit the need for repentance, there is no need to turn away.  Rather let us receive it with faith and great thanksgiving.

Every time we sin, we die a little spiritually.  With each act that we let go on, the light falls away, little by little, until finally there is nothing but heaviness and darkness. What a gift Christ has given us through his Atoning sacrifice that we may not die fully but yet live.

Repentance is a different experience for each individual, and only God knows the hearts and minds of “men”.  But we should not be afraid or procrastinate.  Some, like I had; may have serious transgressions to work through, but all of us, everyone, are in need of a constant life long procession that includes making ourselves right before God through the Atoning Sacrifice of the Savior.  Daily.

There is much to understand in the repentance process and I hope as I take this time in sharing with you my personal journey it will touch your heart.  Please join me for my next blog that will continue with the principle and story of my road through repentance, for what you’ve read, was just the beginning, yet even now, I am a new woman…..

With Love
Dixie