Do I Really?

We are challenged to daily evolve and become more Christ like in our natures, our decisions, our life.  I use the word evolve because the change that takes place in us as we choose to become Christlike is a growth.  It is a time-consuming event that does not happen in one day but over time as we strengthen our testimonies and desires to life the Gospel.

As I sat in preparation for this weeks blog I thought to my self, what can I say to those who read that will make an impact that may help them in their lives, and what can I study for myself that I too will grow and be better and strengthen.  I watched last night an episode on CNN called finding Christ.  This episode discussed Judas and his betrayal to the Lord, but it also brought note of the great love Christ had for Judas even in knowing that he was betrayed.  It made me think of when Christ was on the cross.  There were many who treated him so badly, and his heart and mind as well as his body must have surely been hurt to the point of unbearable grief, yet his prayer was forgive them father for they know not what they do.  Is it not also true in our everyday lives, that there are many who know not what they do, for one can hardly know without a true testimony.  Even those among us including ourselves, most likely know not what we do until a lesson is taught to us and we then gain a missing perspective.  This thinking led me to  View Matthew 5:

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitfully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect"

So I asked myself, "who are mine enemies?"  and I knew immediately who they were for I have struggled with them greatly.

I don't hate my enemies on the contrary I love them, very much so, yet I am afraid of them for the pain they cause me is unbearable.  My enemies are someone I gave my heart to and trusted and accepted as my family, they are someone whom I loved and would do anything for; yet they curse me, and hate me, they lie about me and to me, they hurt my children and family, they make me feel like trash, and when they are near I am lowly to the point of physically keeping my head bowed while sitting in a corner, and I, I am afraid of them. Even at my age of 49 I feel as if I am being bullied and backed into a corner.  Yet my prayers are for them, they are for us both.  I wish them no harm and truly pray for their needs yet I can't talk to them and be around them so I asked myself, " am I truly loving my enemies?"

I read in 1 Samuel 25,  where David demonstrated that he would be kind to Saul, who had tried to kill him then later David and his men asked for some supplies from a man named Nabal; Nabal treated them rudely. In response, David and his men prepared to attack. Nabal’s wife, Abigail, heard about what was happening and acted wisely to keep David from attacking and killing her husband. In the process, David realized his revengeful actions were not right. A short time later, Nabal died and the problem was solved anyway. After Nabal’s death, David married Abigail as one of his wives.

Then I was listening to a conference talk by Howard W Hunter where he said: “How are we supposed to act when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against? What are we supposed to do if we are hurt by those we love, or are passed over for promotion, or are falsely accused, or have our motives unfairly assailed?“Do we fight back? Do we send an ever-larger battalion? Do we revert to an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, or … do we come to the realization that this finally leaves us blind and toothless?” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1992, 23; or Ensign, Nov. 1992, 18).

After reading these I realized that I was not so bad, I wished them no harm, I do them no wrong, If they call or need me I am there, and I say nothing about the hurt, pan and anguish.  When I have to see them or they are in need of my help, I always hope that this is the time when things shall pass and we can once again be family.  So yes I say that I do love my enemies but am I wrong because I can't be around them, because I don't call them or visit them, as when I do things go south in a hurry; so I further studied. 
I decided to visit the church website lds.org, and I put in the search engine Bullying.  I did this because I do feel, even at my age, that I have been bullied and it does continue on certain levels.  I have been a victim of bullying since grade school so I am no newcomer to it and the feelings are the same, so I thought there might be some insight with this search.  What I found made me know that the spirit does work and talk to us in all answers we desire. 

The article I read had advice on what to do if your being bullied, and though geared for youth I felt it was most important in adult life too.  It says, "if your being bullied to try to appear calm and confident. Try not to react, because a reaction is what most bullies are hoping for. First try to simply walk away.  To walk away from trouble is not a sign of weakness."  By this I felt that I am not wrong in staying away, I am simply avoiding explosive, hurtful situations that can cause more trouble.  When needed I am there and act in a loving Christlike manner to the best of my ability, but I try to avoid all situations that have the potential to be bad.  So in this sense I feel that yes I do love my enemies but can I do better?  The next section I read answered my question. 

Forgiving a bully does not mean thinking that what he or she did was okay. Nor does it mean you shouldn’t stick up for yourself or that you should pretend the bullying never happened. Forgiving does mean letting go of feelings of bitterness and anger—feelings that will damage you far more than they will affect the bully. The Lord said, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).

And so I had my answer.  I need to let go of the hurt and pain, that's where my fault lies.  The bitterness at what was done to me and still continues to be done to me is so hurtful and I've held onto that hurt for far too long.  If I am truly going to follow Christ as I wish to do, then I must let it go and Let God.......

I must rely on the Savior. His love, and the knowledge that I am a child of Heavenly Father, is my greatest source of self-worth. The Savior knows what it’s like to be beaten and spit upon, but He never forgot who He is—the Son of God. Because of the Atonement, He understands perfectly the hurt I feel, and He can heal me. And now my prayers will indeed be for that healing. 

Not only though, will my prayers be for my own healing but they will be also for my enemies healing and for me to be a better Christian.  It will be my prayer that I will hopefully never hurt anyone as I have been hurt and that I will be more mindful of myself while working and living in the world in terms of how I act, what I say and what I do.  We are in the last days after all, and satan is at his best; it is my prayer that we lean not to his cunning ways. 

“It should come as no surprise that one of the adversary’s tactics in the latter days is stirring up hatred among the children of men. He loves to see us criticize each other, make fun or take advantage of our neighbor’s known flaws, and generally pick on each other. …

“When we truly become converted to Jesus Christ, committed to Him, an interesting thing happens: our attention turns to the welfare of our fellow-man, and the way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives.” —Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94), of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign , May 1992, 19, 20.

Today my new leaf turns and my prayers being for healing, and as I heal I hope they too will heal.  For you my friends that are reading, I wish you the same, rely on the savior for all your needs.  Let us strive daily to become more like our Savior.  Just imagine what the world will be like when we all do.....

With Love,

Dixie Dawn

But I Only....

Before reading the next phrases insert the word But at the beginning....

I only got drunk because she broke my heart.  I only cheated because he was abusive,  I only stole it because I really needed it.   Its only one rated R movie what can it hurt.  Work doesn’t pay me what they should so I’ll just take it out in trade.  I only curse while in traffic.  I’m so tired I’ll just skip church this one time.  Repentance is for sinners my acts were justified.  I am strong I can do this on my own, I don’t need God……..

Thought for the day:  We cannot hide any act of our lives from ourselves or from the Lord.   As prerequisites to forgiveness, there must first be recognition, remorse, then confession.  “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.” In addition to recognizing our sins, we must feel sincere sorrow for what we have done. We must feel that our sins are terrible. We must want to unload and abandon them.


I previously spoke of Godly sorrow and the need to abandon my sins, but how did it come to that, what was the process to bring me to such Godly sorrow?  It was not an easy road I can tell you that.  I spent many of my days in the past with a chip on my shoulder.  Everywhere I went I felt others were judging me for my actions.  I would never be able to measure up because of my sins, they would forever follow me and I am as dirt.  At one point I even stopped going to church because I felt if I walked in the door I wouldn’t be welcomed and it would be awkward because I am the black sheep, I am the sinner and everyone knows it.  I suffered greatly for many years and  turned to even more sin as well as embracing beliefs I didn’t understand to try to escape.

I became entangled in a web satan had weaved for me with negative and false thinking coupled with depression and fear.  I found myself spending my days fighting to make people believe that I was respectable and a good person. I always found myself in awkward circumstances and conversations of worldliness and I continually worked as either a beggar to have people believe I was a good girl, or as a fighter to save my reputation.  When all the time, the truth was, I was really fighting only me…..

I had a knack of excusing away my choices. And though the things I said to myself were indeed true, for I really was having a hard time I really was hurting and suffering and needed to do something.  The fact remained that I made the choices of my life, and I could not push them away with an excuse or blame.  I knowingly disobeyed my Father in Heaven and until I admitted that to myself, the merry-go-round would not stop and satan would continue to wrap me up as his trophy.

I was literally physically exhausted from the fight and because I fought so hard it effected my well-being.  I developed health troubles and had many trips to the hospital; I became an emotional roller coaster.  I worried to the point that I feared even my own children could not love me because I was such a bad person; and I know they grew weary of hearing me apologize and excuse myself for being a bad mother and person. And while its true that many people did know of some of my more serious transgressions, the fact remains that most did not; yet I was too focused on hiding my sins from myself, and making myself belive that I was justified, to realize how things really worked.  I was spinning out of control and had to make a change, if I did not, the thought of what could happen to me was terrifying for I had even contemplated suicide.

Reality Check:  “There is no royal road to repentance, no privileged path to forgiveness. Every man must follow the same course whether he be rich or poor, educated or untrained, tall or short, prince or pauper, king or commoner”- Spencer W Kimball

It is said that the first step in the road to recovery from addiction is admitting.  That proves to be no different on the road to repentance.  We must admit to ourselves that we have sinned. If we do not admit this, we cannot repent.  Whether it is a sin of great seriousness, a sin of omission, or willful  disobedience, we cannot seek forgiveness until we admit to ourself and Heavenly Father that we have erred.

“Let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance. … Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point” (Alma 42:29–30) The scriptures advise us further not to justify our sinful practices (Luke 16:15–16).

I found some of the greatest relief of my life, when I wrote in my journal of my sins.  Yes I wrote the circumstances and I wrote all the things that surrounded why I made the choices, but I did not excuse the fact that I had offended the one person who had never left me, never hurt me, that gave me all that I needed and more.  I had offended my Father in Heaven.

It was not easy to admit to myself that I had been wrong.  The pain of those transgressions caused a heavy suffering of my heart and soul that was near unbearable.  But when I went to the Lord with them, that acknowledgement brought me a measure of peace and I knew that I had come home. When I was willing to give away my sins and follow him, I came to know God.  I began to understand that the Savior gave His life for us and suffered for our sins so that if we believed on his name and repented we would not have to carry that burden.  Each time I ignored what I had done, I trampled all that he died for, I threw away the gift.  So I followed the promptings from my intense prayers and fessed up thus, beginning my road to forgiveness.  

“I acknowledged my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.” Psalms 32:5

One of the best things we can do for ourselves is admitting when we are wrong and seek to make it right, that does not however, give us full throttle to beat ourselves up.  The Savior suffered so that we would not have to, the first step in accepting that gift is admitting our sin.  But we cannot let satan make us believe there is no hope.  We must stay strong and stay with God.

There is comfort and peace in admitting our mistakes, let us take note as we work through our days to  things we need to repair.

There is hope with repentance, let us then find ourselves in mighty prayer following the will of the Lord.



With Love, Dixie

Please join me next week for this series of blogs concerning the principles of repentance and my personal story of the road to safety and peace....

Eight Years Ago

As I sat, now that the 14 day challenge is over, I wondered what I would write about and I found myself drifting back over memories of the past six years.  Many things come to mind but nothing more so than my period of repentance.  I've wondered if I should write about it; I've wanted to for maybe it will help someone else and I've been told to, by many of those I have shared with in private.  Then I thought, "what about those who won't understand, who don't understand the principles of the gospel, and the true love of Christ"  So many think of repentance as a bad thing.  So today I decided I will begin a preface series to MY story.  A couple of blogs to help us better understand the principle of repentance, the love of the Atonement, and what I believe as a Latter-day Saint; during which I will tell my story.  So if for no other reason, stick around and read a few days, my story is actually quite unbelievable, even to me.......

Thought for the day:  In my personal experience there is a big pre-requisite in understanding repentance,  and that is Godly Sorrow. The Apostle Paul taught that “godly sorrow” is required if true repentance is to take place.   2 Corinthians 7.  So then we must understand Godly sorry, before we can understand repentance.

 " Godly sorrow is a gift of the Spirit. It is a deep realization that our actions have offended our Father and our God. It is the sharp and keen awareness that our behavior caused the Savior, He who knew no sin, even the greatest of all, to endure agony and suffering. Our sins caused Him to bleed at every pore. This very real mental and spiritual anguish is what the scriptures refer to as having ‘a broken heart and contrite spirit.....It is not uncommon to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute ‘godly sorrow’ - Ezra Taft Benson.

"There is an important difference between the sorrow for sin that leads to repentance and the sorrow that leads to despair.  Godly sorrow inspires change and hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Worldly sorrow pulls us down, extinguishes hope, and persuades us to give in to further temptation.  Godly sorrow leads to conversion and a change of heart. It causes us to hate sin and love goodness. It encourages us to stand up and walk in the light of Christ’s love"-Dieter F Uchtdorf

Eight years ago, I had a great desire to change my life.  I was not a "bad" person, in fact my family and friends thought I was the kindest person they knew, a really great person they told me.  I always helped everyone I could, I volunteered, I ran a non-profit dance studio, I worked two jobs to take care of my family,  I went to church and tried to live the teachings and raise my family right. My husband told me I had the biggest heart of anyone he had ever known, and  I believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ; I had faith.  Yet, the more my testimony strengthened, and the closer my relationship became to Christ and Father in Heaven, I felt there were things amiss, things of my past that continued to live in my present and threatened my future.  Things that were not horrible and by the world standards, not sinful at all, yet to me, I felt unclean, I felt unworthy of my Father in Heaven's love, I felt unworthy to carry the light of Christ.  The choices I had made in my past were made with a worldly mind and heart and I knew that I surely must have offended the Lord because it was offensive to me.   After spending my days of months in prayer; after truly beseeching the Lord,  for my burden grew heavy, even more than I could bear as I began to dislike myself more and more; I became  humbled.  Rather than turning away, for this was the point at which many turn away as the embarrassment, the pain and sorrow are too great, and Satan even that old serpent can make one think, there is no hope, all is lost; even so, I began to ask Him.  "How can I show thee that I am sorry for my sins, how can thou knowest that I pray unto thee that thou would knowest of my broken heart for the things that I have done, for the choices I've made and the way I chose to live.  How is it that thou would knowest I wish I had been a good daughter I wish I had understood thee and the gospel better but it was as if a blanket covered my mind and I was blind..  And now I am beside myself that I have offended thee, for I do love thee so and I believe, thus I want to be a righteous daughter of God, I pray thou will help me. "  (notes from my personal journal)

These were the thoughts of my days, and my prayers were for my survival in this life and the next.  I discovered through those prayers that the only way to gain peace in all things, was to seek forgiveness, was to become clean, and forgive myself.  That is when I learned of Godly sorrow, and I learned first hand from the Savior who, over a length of time, personally taught me......

The following is a piece of poetry I wrote during my time of suffering and broken heart. I hope it will help those who read to understand Godly sorrow and the need to understand repentance. 

Join me tomorrow for the next segment in my personal series.  

Love, 

Dixie

Godly Sorrow
 

Acceptance is not found
With in walls of brick
Among members of sects
With in the heart of man

It can only be found

With in my self

And my self is that

Which I cannot accept

I can no longer fight

The good fight

For I have been fighting

Yet they cannot see

Do not hear

And don’t understand

Even so my solace

I find in the mercy of my savior

For he knoweth the truth of my heart

I am ugly before him

In my sins

Yet his compassion be divine

And surely I have felt his compassion

For I can in no way deny the things

I have seen and heard

The things I have felt

How is it then

If even I have felt

Such compassion and mercy

I do sin

How is it that I can yield to temptations so

Disgracing my Lord, My God

I am therefore hopeless

Even the least of them that do breath

For I know my Redeemer

And yet I am lost

In an abyss of pain and torment

Subject to humanness

The carnal desires

That do beseech me

Amen…….

 March 2009  © Dawn Michelle All rights reserved

It's Personal

 
This is a continuation of The Invitation, a  previously posted blog challenge.  We are now on Day 9.  Please feel free to read the other days and start at anytime! Incorporate this challenge to fit you!  Weekly, monthly, daily however it will work for you!   All material is original blog material written by Dixie. ( I just borrowed the idea ;)   Scripture suggestions are from my personal study, all thoughts and challenges are from my personal history and my future as I too continue to strive for more closeness to Christ. 

Thought for the day:    Forgiveness is a delicate subject, and one difficult to talk about for when we or our family members have been hurt or wronged or tragedy strikes, it can be a blinding pain to the soul. And again because we are mortal right now and have to remind ourselves to think eternally, many times we need to deal with our pain or loss. But sometimes in dealing with our feelings we talk ourselves into a procrastination and find reasons for putting off or postponing forgiveness with excuses and justification for being angry. We may be waiting for the wrong doers to repent before we forgive them, or maybe we are holding a grudge forgetting that the courageous thing to do would be to forgive. But it seems that when the innocent have been hurt or die usually we don't think of forgiveness first. Instead we become angry and feel justified to get even, thus, even though it is a delicate subject, it becomes a subject that we need to frequently revisit and strengthen.
James E Faust he gives a definition of forgiveness saying that "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had, and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."
We know that all of us, everyone, suffers from things that can't be understood or explained. We may never know why some things happen and sometimes more than not, those reasons are only known by the Lord. Even so, we must valiantly endure them for they are given for our benefit, they are given, for our salvation.

Penny in the shoe:  Whenever you feel the penny today in your shoe, think about all the times you have asked Heavenly Father forgiveness...

Challenge for the day:  Let it go.....begin to let it go....and remember, we all have cracks in ourselves, and we are all trying to do our best, even those who have offended you, are trying in their life and in their way to do their best.  After all we can do, through the Atonement, Christ makes our best perfect, for everyone. So let us forgive, even as he does....

“There is no peace in harboring old grudges. There is no peace in reflecting on the pain of old wounds. There is peace only in repentance and forgiveness. This is the sweet peace of the Christ, who said, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall be called the children of God’ (Matthew 5:9)” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1980, 88; or Ensign, Nov. 1980, 63).- Gordon B Hinkley

Suggested Scripture Reading: (reading made easy just click to view)  Genesis 45:1–15;  Matthew 5:43–45  Luke 15:11–32;  Doctrine and Covenants 64:9–10

Journaling Thought:  How do I feel at the end of the day, when all is said and done....

My Personal Story:
I know that in my past at times, I haven't always made the right or even good decisions and I'm almost certain that those particular decisions have hurt or wronged someone that maybe was in my path. The hurt and pain I may have caused was most likely unintentional and if it ever was intentional I can say it happened because I truly didn't know any better. I wasn't converted to the gospel or trusting in the Lord, I was living a worldly life. After turning my life around my thoughts and actions have become different and now I know and feel when something isn't right or I've done something wrong or if I am wrong in my actions toward others. And as I think back and remember the past, it is my sincere desire that anyone whom I might have hurt or wronged will forgive me. At the same time, through those years, there were many occasions when I myself was the victim and I was greatly hurt and sometimes even traumatized but if I, as a daughter of God, wish to be forgiven and come clean and whole to heavenly father, I must examine my thoughts and feelings toward others and I too must forgive. I also had the thought that, if we, who are converted to the gospel and have faith and the Holy Ghost have a hard time with this principle, how does someone without these things living in the world face forgiving. So then how can I not forgive, for I too was once there. If we, as Christians want to be forgiven when we have inappropriate thoughts or actions towards another we must forgive our offenders, even if they never know that they have offended us, even if they never apologize, even if they never repent. We must forgive with our hearts and remember it no more.

When we exercise faith and trust in the Lord, the principle of forgiving becomes much easier. Our true faith can enable us to withstand even the worst of enemies as well as provide us with the wonderful gift of a chance to look beyond ourselves, to think eternally, to in our heart of hearts, forgive. If we do this for those who have caused us hurt we will gain a greater self esteem because people who are taught to forgive become less angry, they have more hope, and are less anxious or stressed and I can personally say this is true because as I daily examine myself and make a true effort I change and become a new woman.
It's not that easy you may say, how can this be done you may ask, as this is a great thing that is asked of me. But if we humble ourselves and acknowledge our anger then get on our knees and ask Heavenly father for a feeling of forgiveness, it will come. And as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness, we open ourselves for the Lord to provide comfort and peace.

The following has been some of the best advice and teaching I have ever received and I know without a doubt James Faust speaks the truth when he says: "Forgiveness is a source of power, but it does not relieve consequences. When tragedy strikes we should not respond by seeking personal revenge but rather let justice take its course and then let go. It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The savior has offered us precious peace through the atonement but this can only come as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger spite or revenge. For all of us who forgive those who trespass against us, even those who have committed serious crimes, the atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort." And I believe he is referring to any trespass for even the smallest of things can fester up and cause great unhappiness in our lives...

Now I'm going to tell you why I wrote this blog, awhile back,  I was asked to speak and given this topic...just three days before I was asked to speak I had been driving with my daughter tena to cedar hill and along the way on highway 67 we passed a School where my middle son Bryan attended for middle school. He attended that school because he had ADHD and back in the day before there were so many resources and help many didn't understand what students needed and the student almost always had a hard time and wound up in trouble. My son Bryan was no exception he had a really hard time and the two principles at his original school and myself didn't agree on his measure of help, care and discipline so I moved him to another school, the one we had passed while driving. Later when Bryan went to high school I brought him back to our home school district to attend and wouldn't you know it the two principles for his ninth grade year changed and those two that we had trouble with were now back in our lives. We honestly and truly tried our best to work with everyone, and though Bryan struggled he really did try his best to behave and pass his classes. Unfortunately many times in life one's past troubles carry through to the future and no matter what we did to try and get through the year and stay out of trouble it was not accepted by the principles and eventually Bryan dropped out. He didn't drop out without remorse though for he truly just wanted to be a normal high school boy and he wanted his diploma but there was just no way that was going to happen for many reasons but the main one was that he was called names and degraded by the adults in charge and we just couldn't fight. About a year after he had dropped out a new school was put together that encouraged students who had dropped out or who had trouble to go back and receive their diploma. Bryan was so excited and so was I and we went to the school to apply and see if he could attend. We filled out all the paper work and waited to see the principle for his interview and when the doors opened and the man staring at us was one of the very principles we had been trying to escape, our hearts sank and we knew it was over. The man laughed at us, he actually laughed at us and told Bryan in front of me that he was a hopeless case and had no business in that school or any school and dismissed us without further words. For many nights after in the next two years to come I sat with my son holding him while he cried and I listened to him on the phone cry to me about how worthless he was and that he would never amount to anything, and, I counseled him many times while praying for help for he would tell me of how he just wanted to end his life for he was no good and would never amount to anything and the pain was just too much to handle. Two years later, after the school rejection, and many other incidents, Bryan died as a result of suicide. This is the memory that rang through my mind as Tena and I passed by the school where he attended and lost in thought I missed my exit and Tena asked what was wrong. I told her that we were passing the school and I told her of my memories of why he had to go there and then it happened...I said and I quote " I wish I could find those two principles and go and look in their eyes and say to them are you happy now, Bryan is not here anymore to live his life because of People like you..." Tena immediately turned to me and said mom no, you know you don't believe that way and you know that's not right, and I know this is not you at all or what you believe, or what you've taught us and shown us, I know you don't mean what you said, just let it go and don't think about it ever again.....She was right for the moment the words had come out of my mouth I knew I was wrong and I had a great remorse at having said them and at having been a bad example for her but it happened so fast because of my pain and the words just flew from my mouth.  Later that evening I tearfully sought Heavenly father, for I know that those two men and anyone else I've ever had a bad thought about are Heavenly father's children they too are eternal beings and kept their first estate and came to this earth just like I did so I must rid myself of negative resentments and continue in my prayers for help because I really don't believe that way, but sometimes, even when we try so hard to live righteously, we can be caught off guard and fall into worldly thinking ....even so though, there was some good that came of this, because this was the first time in the three years since Bryan died that my daughter had ever heard me say something like that. I had done my best to exercise my faith and trust in heavenly father to relieve me of the pain, my daughter had seen this and she remembered it and she helped me when I fell....so not only was my life touched but so was hers..


May your heart be touched by my personal story, and may we all learn to forgive, even as Christ forgives...

With Love from Dixie....