Do I Really?

We are challenged to daily evolve and become more Christ like in our natures, our decisions, our life.  I use the word evolve because the change that takes place in us as we choose to become Christlike is a growth.  It is a time-consuming event that does not happen in one day but over time as we strengthen our testimonies and desires to life the Gospel.

As I sat in preparation for this weeks blog I thought to my self, what can I say to those who read that will make an impact that may help them in their lives, and what can I study for myself that I too will grow and be better and strengthen.  I watched last night an episode on CNN called finding Christ.  This episode discussed Judas and his betrayal to the Lord, but it also brought note of the great love Christ had for Judas even in knowing that he was betrayed.  It made me think of when Christ was on the cross.  There were many who treated him so badly, and his heart and mind as well as his body must have surely been hurt to the point of unbearable grief, yet his prayer was forgive them father for they know not what they do.  Is it not also true in our everyday lives, that there are many who know not what they do, for one can hardly know without a true testimony.  Even those among us including ourselves, most likely know not what we do until a lesson is taught to us and we then gain a missing perspective.  This thinking led me to  View Matthew 5:

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitfully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect"

So I asked myself, "who are mine enemies?"  and I knew immediately who they were for I have struggled with them greatly.

I don't hate my enemies on the contrary I love them, very much so, yet I am afraid of them for the pain they cause me is unbearable.  My enemies are someone I gave my heart to and trusted and accepted as my family, they are someone whom I loved and would do anything for; yet they curse me, and hate me, they lie about me and to me, they hurt my children and family, they make me feel like trash, and when they are near I am lowly to the point of physically keeping my head bowed while sitting in a corner, and I, I am afraid of them. Even at my age of 49 I feel as if I am being bullied and backed into a corner.  Yet my prayers are for them, they are for us both.  I wish them no harm and truly pray for their needs yet I can't talk to them and be around them so I asked myself, " am I truly loving my enemies?"

I read in 1 Samuel 25,  where David demonstrated that he would be kind to Saul, who had tried to kill him then later David and his men asked for some supplies from a man named Nabal; Nabal treated them rudely. In response, David and his men prepared to attack. Nabal’s wife, Abigail, heard about what was happening and acted wisely to keep David from attacking and killing her husband. In the process, David realized his revengeful actions were not right. A short time later, Nabal died and the problem was solved anyway. After Nabal’s death, David married Abigail as one of his wives.

Then I was listening to a conference talk by Howard W Hunter where he said: “How are we supposed to act when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against? What are we supposed to do if we are hurt by those we love, or are passed over for promotion, or are falsely accused, or have our motives unfairly assailed?“Do we fight back? Do we send an ever-larger battalion? Do we revert to an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, or … do we come to the realization that this finally leaves us blind and toothless?” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1992, 23; or Ensign, Nov. 1992, 18).

After reading these I realized that I was not so bad, I wished them no harm, I do them no wrong, If they call or need me I am there, and I say nothing about the hurt, pan and anguish.  When I have to see them or they are in need of my help, I always hope that this is the time when things shall pass and we can once again be family.  So yes I say that I do love my enemies but am I wrong because I can't be around them, because I don't call them or visit them, as when I do things go south in a hurry; so I further studied. 
I decided to visit the church website lds.org, and I put in the search engine Bullying.  I did this because I do feel, even at my age, that I have been bullied and it does continue on certain levels.  I have been a victim of bullying since grade school so I am no newcomer to it and the feelings are the same, so I thought there might be some insight with this search.  What I found made me know that the spirit does work and talk to us in all answers we desire. 

The article I read had advice on what to do if your being bullied, and though geared for youth I felt it was most important in adult life too.  It says, "if your being bullied to try to appear calm and confident. Try not to react, because a reaction is what most bullies are hoping for. First try to simply walk away.  To walk away from trouble is not a sign of weakness."  By this I felt that I am not wrong in staying away, I am simply avoiding explosive, hurtful situations that can cause more trouble.  When needed I am there and act in a loving Christlike manner to the best of my ability, but I try to avoid all situations that have the potential to be bad.  So in this sense I feel that yes I do love my enemies but can I do better?  The next section I read answered my question. 

Forgiving a bully does not mean thinking that what he or she did was okay. Nor does it mean you shouldn’t stick up for yourself or that you should pretend the bullying never happened. Forgiving does mean letting go of feelings of bitterness and anger—feelings that will damage you far more than they will affect the bully. The Lord said, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:10).

And so I had my answer.  I need to let go of the hurt and pain, that's where my fault lies.  The bitterness at what was done to me and still continues to be done to me is so hurtful and I've held onto that hurt for far too long.  If I am truly going to follow Christ as I wish to do, then I must let it go and Let God.......

I must rely on the Savior. His love, and the knowledge that I am a child of Heavenly Father, is my greatest source of self-worth. The Savior knows what it’s like to be beaten and spit upon, but He never forgot who He is—the Son of God. Because of the Atonement, He understands perfectly the hurt I feel, and He can heal me. And now my prayers will indeed be for that healing. 

Not only though, will my prayers be for my own healing but they will be also for my enemies healing and for me to be a better Christian.  It will be my prayer that I will hopefully never hurt anyone as I have been hurt and that I will be more mindful of myself while working and living in the world in terms of how I act, what I say and what I do.  We are in the last days after all, and satan is at his best; it is my prayer that we lean not to his cunning ways. 

“It should come as no surprise that one of the adversary’s tactics in the latter days is stirring up hatred among the children of men. He loves to see us criticize each other, make fun or take advantage of our neighbor’s known flaws, and generally pick on each other. …

“When we truly become converted to Jesus Christ, committed to Him, an interesting thing happens: our attention turns to the welfare of our fellow-man, and the way we treat others becomes increasingly filled with patience, kindness, a gentle acceptance, and a desire to play a positive role in their lives.” —Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94), of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign , May 1992, 19, 20.

Today my new leaf turns and my prayers being for healing, and as I heal I hope they too will heal.  For you my friends that are reading, I wish you the same, rely on the savior for all your needs.  Let us strive daily to become more like our Savior.  Just imagine what the world will be like when we all do.....

With Love,

Dixie Dawn

Not as Bad as You Think

Repentance, that is always a scary word it seems.  People fear it, others, in place of fear become angry with it.  Some accusingly see it as a religious control tactic, and others believe that if there is a real punishment for sin its through a simple confession or prayer and then God will simply beat us with a few stripes after which we will be saved in the kingdom forever.    I believe however, that when a person develops true faith, faith in Jesus Christ; they begin to see things in a different light.  I believe real sincere faith in a person will bring them to a point where they want to be different, where they want to be like Christ; so repentance then, becomes viewed differently.  It becomes seen not as a scary thing or matter of a checklist and Sunday confession after a party weekend.  It becomes rather an opportunity of choice, a gift, and that is what it became for me.

Thought for the day:  “Repentance is a divine gift, and there should be a smile on our faces when we speak of it. It points us to freedom, confidence, and peace. Rather than interrupting the celebration, the gift of repentance is the cause for true celebration.” – D Todd Christofferson

What is repentance?  The Guide to Scriptures gives us this definition:  “A change of mind and heart that brings a fresh attitude toward God, oneself, and life in general. Repentance implies that a person turns away from evil and turns his heart and will to God, submitting to God’s commandments and desires and forsaking sin. True repentance comes from a love for God and a sincere desire to obey his commandments. All accountable persons have sinned and must repent in order to progress toward salvation. Only through the atonement of Jesus Christ can our repentance become effective and accepted by God.”

Why repentance?  We come to earth for the purpose of growing and progressing. This is a lifelong process. During this time that we are here on earth,  we all sin. We all have need to repent. Sometimes we sin because of ignorance, sometimes because of our weaknesses, and sometimes because of willful disobedience. In the Bible we read that “there is not a just man upon earth, that doeth good, and sinneth not” and that “if we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” Romans 3:23  Ecclesiastes 7:20  1 John 1:8. When we die, we will be returned to the presence of God Alma 40:11.  Thus we need repentance for “no unclean thing can dwell with God”.

I like to think of myself as a “just man”.  I never did harm, not intentionally I only wanted to do good.  Yet in my life there were times that I did sin.  Sometimes it was because of ignorance, sometimes it was due to weakness, and at other times it was pure wilful disobedience.  Even so, the more I developed faith, a testimony of the gospel and true love for Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ, the more I hated my choices, and I just couldn’t live with myself knowing that even though I had a change of heart and no longer made those choices or lived that lifestyle; still they lurked in the corners of my mind and around every bend I turned.  They brought upon my soul great grief and I was terribly troubled as I ministered to family members and friends sharing with them the Gospel.

I remember exactly when it began,  that I knew my good intentions were not enough; it was the day my husband was baptized.  As I watched him being immersed in the water, I found myself wishing it was me, wishing I could be new, that I could be rid of all that followed me, wishing that I could be the daughter of God I so desired and strived to be. I was active in the church, one hundred percent or more.  I lived the lifestyle of a Latter-day saint and I encouraged and begged my children and family to do the same.  I went so far as to bribe my oldest son, who was not living at home, with gas money.  If he would just please come to the baptism and support my husband whom we all loved, I would give him gas money for his car.  The baptism proved to be a very spiritual time for all of us but none more than my son I think, for when he came to me after the service to get his money,  he was crying.  I asked him what was wrong but he couldn’t talk, he just gave me a hug took his money and left.  Later on that evening he came to talk to me, about church.  He said he felt something that he’d never felt before and it burned within him, he believed, and he wanted to come back and start attending again and making things right.  I was never more happy than at that moment, and right away put him on the path back to his roots.  This is what made me think.  I had testified to my husband and shared with him the gospel and he was baptised.  I had testified time and again to my son and encouraged him to return and he was doing so; so how could I be a part of this newly forming eternal family if I wasn’t living the things I was teaching them.  I had to make myself right.  So began my journey of earnestly praying, with every fiber of my being.  With the deepest Godly sorrow falling upon my knees and seeking the guidance of Heavenly Father I repented to him of the things that made me feel bad, of the things that I carried.  Never before had I sought Heavenly Father in this manner.  Not because I didn’t want to but until I had a true change of heart that came with strengthened faith and Godly sorrow, I didn’t understand how to repent.  I discovered that it was much more than just confessing of my sins, it was about my broken heart…..

Through this time and these prayers the Lord, with such love, ministered to me and taught me the meaning of true repentance.  He taught me all that I needed to do and answered all my questions by literally answering my prayers even sometimes while I was still on my knees crying.  It was not a great cloud burst and visions of grandeur, it wasn’t as many preachers shout about at the pulpits of hell fire and brimstone.  But is was a quiet tender burning in my heart that was sent with messages to my mind and I knew, I KNEW, that He was real, the Savior was real,  and he was speaking to me and guiding me.  That He loved me and would hold me up while I did all that I could to live as he wanted me to live. I did not have to be afraid……

In our journey’s here upon the earth, no one is perfect, so Christ in his infinite mercy suffered and died that we may be offered the choice of repentance.  Though it is a gift, it is not an easy choice.  But when the desire hits you, and that great feeling of truth coupled with an overwhelming need for change comes, and you act upon it with the help and love of the Savior; it becomes a necessary road and a life changing experience.  There is no need to fear, there is no need to discredit the need for repentance, there is no need to turn away.  Rather let us receive it with faith and great thanksgiving.

Every time we sin, we die a little spiritually.  With each act that we let go on, the light falls away, little by little, until finally there is nothing but heaviness and darkness. What a gift Christ has given us through his Atoning sacrifice that we may not die fully but yet live.

Repentance is a different experience for each individual, and only God knows the hearts and minds of “men”.  But we should not be afraid or procrastinate.  Some, like I had; may have serious transgressions to work through, but all of us, everyone, are in need of a constant life long procession that includes making ourselves right before God through the Atoning Sacrifice of the Savior.  Daily.

There is much to understand in the repentance process and I hope as I take this time in sharing with you my personal journey it will touch your heart.  Please join me for my next blog that will continue with the principle and story of my road through repentance, for what you’ve read, was just the beginning, yet even now, I am a new woman…..

With Love
Dixie

Eight Years Ago

As I sat, now that the 14 day challenge is over, I wondered what I would write about and I found myself drifting back over memories of the past six years.  Many things come to mind but nothing more so than my period of repentance.  I've wondered if I should write about it; I've wanted to for maybe it will help someone else and I've been told to, by many of those I have shared with in private.  Then I thought, "what about those who won't understand, who don't understand the principles of the gospel, and the true love of Christ"  So many think of repentance as a bad thing.  So today I decided I will begin a preface series to MY story.  A couple of blogs to help us better understand the principle of repentance, the love of the Atonement, and what I believe as a Latter-day Saint; during which I will tell my story.  So if for no other reason, stick around and read a few days, my story is actually quite unbelievable, even to me.......

Thought for the day:  In my personal experience there is a big pre-requisite in understanding repentance,  and that is Godly Sorrow. The Apostle Paul taught that “godly sorrow” is required if true repentance is to take place.   2 Corinthians 7.  So then we must understand Godly sorry, before we can understand repentance.

 " Godly sorrow is a gift of the Spirit. It is a deep realization that our actions have offended our Father and our God. It is the sharp and keen awareness that our behavior caused the Savior, He who knew no sin, even the greatest of all, to endure agony and suffering. Our sins caused Him to bleed at every pore. This very real mental and spiritual anguish is what the scriptures refer to as having ‘a broken heart and contrite spirit.....It is not uncommon to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute ‘godly sorrow’ - Ezra Taft Benson.

"There is an important difference between the sorrow for sin that leads to repentance and the sorrow that leads to despair.  Godly sorrow inspires change and hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Worldly sorrow pulls us down, extinguishes hope, and persuades us to give in to further temptation.  Godly sorrow leads to conversion and a change of heart. It causes us to hate sin and love goodness. It encourages us to stand up and walk in the light of Christ’s love"-Dieter F Uchtdorf

Eight years ago, I had a great desire to change my life.  I was not a "bad" person, in fact my family and friends thought I was the kindest person they knew, a really great person they told me.  I always helped everyone I could, I volunteered, I ran a non-profit dance studio, I worked two jobs to take care of my family,  I went to church and tried to live the teachings and raise my family right. My husband told me I had the biggest heart of anyone he had ever known, and  I believed in the gospel of Jesus Christ; I had faith.  Yet, the more my testimony strengthened, and the closer my relationship became to Christ and Father in Heaven, I felt there were things amiss, things of my past that continued to live in my present and threatened my future.  Things that were not horrible and by the world standards, not sinful at all, yet to me, I felt unclean, I felt unworthy of my Father in Heaven's love, I felt unworthy to carry the light of Christ.  The choices I had made in my past were made with a worldly mind and heart and I knew that I surely must have offended the Lord because it was offensive to me.   After spending my days of months in prayer; after truly beseeching the Lord,  for my burden grew heavy, even more than I could bear as I began to dislike myself more and more; I became  humbled.  Rather than turning away, for this was the point at which many turn away as the embarrassment, the pain and sorrow are too great, and Satan even that old serpent can make one think, there is no hope, all is lost; even so, I began to ask Him.  "How can I show thee that I am sorry for my sins, how can thou knowest that I pray unto thee that thou would knowest of my broken heart for the things that I have done, for the choices I've made and the way I chose to live.  How is it that thou would knowest I wish I had been a good daughter I wish I had understood thee and the gospel better but it was as if a blanket covered my mind and I was blind..  And now I am beside myself that I have offended thee, for I do love thee so and I believe, thus I want to be a righteous daughter of God, I pray thou will help me. "  (notes from my personal journal)

These were the thoughts of my days, and my prayers were for my survival in this life and the next.  I discovered through those prayers that the only way to gain peace in all things, was to seek forgiveness, was to become clean, and forgive myself.  That is when I learned of Godly sorrow, and I learned first hand from the Savior who, over a length of time, personally taught me......

The following is a piece of poetry I wrote during my time of suffering and broken heart. I hope it will help those who read to understand Godly sorrow and the need to understand repentance. 

Join me tomorrow for the next segment in my personal series.  

Love, 

Dixie

Godly Sorrow
 

Acceptance is not found
With in walls of brick
Among members of sects
With in the heart of man

It can only be found

With in my self

And my self is that

Which I cannot accept

I can no longer fight

The good fight

For I have been fighting

Yet they cannot see

Do not hear

And don’t understand

Even so my solace

I find in the mercy of my savior

For he knoweth the truth of my heart

I am ugly before him

In my sins

Yet his compassion be divine

And surely I have felt his compassion

For I can in no way deny the things

I have seen and heard

The things I have felt

How is it then

If even I have felt

Such compassion and mercy

I do sin

How is it that I can yield to temptations so

Disgracing my Lord, My God

I am therefore hopeless

Even the least of them that do breath

For I know my Redeemer

And yet I am lost

In an abyss of pain and torment

Subject to humanness

The carnal desires

That do beseech me

Amen…….

 March 2009  © Dawn Michelle All rights reserved