I've had a weird couple of days, I would call them bad, but they really weren't bad so I settle for weird and preface that by saying....though my life isn't perfect, it is full of perfect moments....
I don't know what has happened to me in the last couple of days and the only thing I can attribute it to is that its been over 30 days since I've stopped taking anti-anxiety medication (ativan or lorazepam) I've never taken an anti-depressant I only had this to deal with the trama and ptsd after loosing Bryan. But I took it for three years and so maybe after coming off of it(I feel wonderful without it btw) my body is having changes, and I am facing some feelings that I didn't realize before.
Now don't worry I'm not loosing it, far from it, I am light years from where I was before, and I am happy and excited to embark on the new things in my life and the life of my family. But last weekend, after I spoke in chruch,(which was a miracle and compeltely amazing) I was at home and laying in the bed and suddenly I was having flashbacks about the night Bryan died and the things that happened in that week...I almost had a panic attack as I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach; like the one you get when you ride a rollercoaster, like a feeling of....panic. I thought to myself, "oh no its real, my son is gone" just like I had when it happened and so I prayed and prayed and then got myself together and was able to go to sleep, however; Monday came.
I found myself irritable, and angry with many things. I have a lot of pressure taking care of the family, (more than I care to say at the moment) and so I thought it was just that but all in all I was fine and dealing with it until that evening. I was taking dinner to a family at church that just had a baby...they live next to our old house the one my kids grew up in and I didn't think anything of it until I was driving that way, the old way I used to drive everyday. You see when I was coming up around the corner I was hit by an uncontrollable amount of memories. My chest became tight, it was hard to breath and I had a panic come over me, then, I started to cry, and I couldn't stop so I had to pull over for moment to gain composure. I've driven down that street countless times and been fine, it was just our old stompin ground that we loved and missed. But I haven't been there since Bryan has been gone and so I tend to believe this is what brought it on.
I know what I believe and I do believe it with all my being, with all that I am, I know that Bryan lives, he is just beyond the veil and all of my hope is in the Savior, in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So then, am I weak, am I failing Father in Heaven because everywhere I go there Bryan is and there my family that used to be is and I cry...I didn't have this trouble when my daughter Julie died because I left Iowa where she and I lived and moved back here. My grief process was different and too, her's was a playground accident he was suicide; so though as a mother I feel responsible for both, my grief is very different this time....
I was going to the temple tonight because I knew I would feel better but walmart decided to start putting a hold on Debit cards when you pay at the pump so when I got gas, though I've done it at least a hundred times with no hold, it left my account at 0 because now there is a hold, so no money to go to the temple... thus your stuck with me here for toinght and this is my therapy.
Sometmes, I feel like if I could just have someone to talk to for about an hour or so and cry all I wanted I would be fine. I can't cry or talk at home, it wouldn't be fair everyone has their own grief and I have to hold things together for everyone. I don't want to go to a therapist because they don't know me and I don't want to sit there telling them about the last 30 years that I don't care to rehash, and I don't want to burden my dear friends either so I just keep it and come here when I'm having trouble and bother you.
On a good note, for the perfect moments of my life, it is one and a half weeks until I leave for Flight Attendant Training and I'm so happy I can hardly see straight. I know not only will it be and awesome career, but good therapy as well.
And now I'm feeling better since I got it out here and so for another day I will sleep and get up and keep going....
What have I learned today:
That I am stronger today than I was yesterday and will be stonger tomorrow than I was today
What will I remember: though my life is not perfect, it is full of perfect moments...
What am I thankful for: The internet and you...
Whats to come: as always, log on tomorrow and find out :)
Love From Dixie!
