Between the Pages of My Mind

Tonight was an intersting evening, one that I wasn't expecting. And to be able to explain to those who by some chance might be reading that don't know me, I'll give a little preface first.

My son died three and a half years ago as a victim of suicide. At that time I was living here, where I am now, and that is where all my kids grew up and went to school and our lives were led. Eight months after his death I had to make a change and so I moved to South Texas to try and deal with my grief and have a fresh start. Before his death I had been a dance teacher here with my own studio, for eleven years and can say I feel like I taught at least half the kids in this town :) Dance was not just my thing it was a family thing. All of my kids danced and we as a studio were a family. After my son's death I had stopped dancing and pretty much stayed in bed and constantly faught with boughts of depression and anxiety.

At this point, before going on with my story, I must give Kuddos to farmville, yes I know most of you hate it but let me tell you, if it weren't for farmville I likey would not have gotten out of bed at all. I was invited to play by a friend, shortly after my son's funeral and so just for grins I played and everyday I had to get up to harvest crops. It became a therapy and I for one am grateful for it :))

Now moving on...There were only two things I was doing a couple of months after this tragedy and that was laying in bed cryng or playing farmville,I had stopped working and all teaching as it was just too much for me to handle. Thankfully my son's girlfriend Diana knew me well enough to know that something had to be done and so I don't know how she thought of this or orchestrated it but, she started a dance class at the church and talked me into teaching so she could learn to dance. As I said she knew something had to be done and if anything could get me up it had to be dance. So, I stared teaching a couple of days a week and gradually I did better. Better enough to move six months later to south texas.

Tonight, I was asked to teach dance again at the church. They had requested the same dances as I had taught before and it was even on the same night and some of the kids were the same kids just a bit older. I agreed to do it because I love my dear sisters who asked me and I love the kids and honestly, I didn't think anything of it until I got there and then it hit.....

It was as if I had traveled back in time and I was the old me trying to make some sense of life being full of pain and anquish. The feeling struck me so hard I almost couldn't think and wasn't sure if I even remembered how to teach. I wasn't the same person anymore and I didn't want to be there teaching dance, it hurt terribly.

You see it wasn't just about my son dying, though that was the main source, it was about me as a person too. Over the years many have judged me for being a dance teacher or for other decisions I've made in my life and its not always been so easy to deal with. I know when some people look at me they do so with contempt or anger or disgust because I was s dance teacher. They feel that I didn't really do anything meaningful with my life. But Infact they really didn't know me at all because the one meaningful thing I ever did was that dance studio as it was non profit and I taught for free to help kids change their lives, but really it changed mine....

So when I walked in tonight and stood on that stage to teach, there was a flood of memories, no it was a tidal wave of memories that came crasing onto the shores of my mind and I wanted to run away as fast as I could, before I became the bad guy again, and before I had to relive my son dying.....

I tried really hard to keep it together, I did my best but I could feel and see that I wasn't my old self, I didn't do as good a job as I would have done in the past. It just wasn't me this time, I have changed, I am new and I love the way I am now so out of fear I think I closed off a bit tongiht for I didn't want to loose all I"ve become.

I taught dance for the past two and a half years in the Valley where I moved to. It was a beautiful experience and is the reason I've been able to become who I am, but when I was teaching tongiht, it was just....well it was a flashback and so I felt terrible when I left to go home. I felt alone and sad, and, I felt lowly again, like I used to feel. Yow know the story in the bible, about how the woman scourned felt when everyone wanted to stone her, thats how I feel when I'm in this town trying to teach dance.....I don't think not teaching dance is the answer, for I should use my talents that the Lord has blessed me with for the good of his children. However I do need to find a balance and be able to cope. Maybe its just not time for me to go back to teaching, its too soon, the wounds are too fresh...

I'm glad that Heavenly Father has blessed me with a chance to be a flight attendant, I think a new career will be so good for me in my heart and soul, it is part of the balance and something myself and my family need greatly...Even so, it is not without great gratitude and humbleness that I leave the dance world.....I will put it pressed between the pages of my mind, for I know I will never really leave, I will only take a break....

What did I learn today?
I learned never to shake the first couselor to the bishops hand, now I have to be the speaker in sacrament meeting this Sunday. (I'll be posting my words to see what you think)

What will I remember?
That I will forever love the youth, they are so dear to me and have a special place in my heart no matter what, they are our future....

Whats to come?
New dances for better days :)

See you tomorrow!

Love From Dixie :)

And Sometimes....

Sometimes, its a sound, maybe one of laughter heard from strangers, sharing times like we used to have, relishing in the company of love....

And sometimes its a song, that can hit as strong as a slap in the face, and with it I can physically feel, for the moment, as I once had when first I heard it....

Sometimes it can even be the simpleness of a breath of wind, pilfering though the loose locks of my hair, carrying with it the dreams of yesterday, those memories that sear my heart and touch the core of my soul....

Then sometimes, its someone that looks like a twin, resembleing my loved ones so impecably that my heart skips a beat, bringing tears to my eyes, as for an instant, they are back with me again....

Even still, sometimes, its a scent, a special aroma that through the senses of appeal, whirls me to that place and time where I wish to forever live....

And again sometimes, its a taste, which can be as luscious as rapture for with the first bite comes gooseflesh that brings me home again and again....

But sometimes, I just want to go back, back to those days when love was anew and laughter was music, to the days when I awoke, I knew you would be here, and all would be right.....

To days when I was not alone, to days that I did not mourn,

To days that were brilliant with light,

To days not filled with spinning my wheels for the only success it seems will be, is that of carrying undescribeable longing,

To days of not wanting to go back, for I was, already there.....

My soul is free, this is completely me, no help from a temporary bandaid or fix.
All that I feel is true and real, and sometimes, its as if the pain were new and I have to come to terms once again...

The living are gone, the dead are gone, and so my goal is to progress, to keep moving, for the faster I move the less I feel and the more the void becomes filled...

Most times, I know, it is just a dream, and nothing will ever fill that space that was occupied so lovingly with my dearest ones, and I have no choice but to search everyday, for a sound, or a song or smell or a taste......

To close my eyes in the wind, with a prayer that I will travel, just one more time, to be with you again.....

© Dawn Michelle, All rights reserved.

Love from Dixie :}